Saturday, April 4, 2009
It is a good day for me to try to get some feelings down on paper. I had a very unpleasant exchange of words with my 29 yr. old daughter last night regarding our ability to see our precious granddaughter, who is 8 yrs. old. My daughter and I have had a strained relationship for many years. We have been allowed to play a very active role in our granddaughters life until the past several months. Our granddaughter has a very special bond with us and we are being weaned out of her life. There is so much to this story I could write a book. Maybe I should write a book, maybe all this crap would make sense to me then.
Anyway, I am having feelings of loss of the relationship we once had with our granddaughter and this brings me so much sadness along with fear for her well being emotionally. My emotions toward my daughter are so conflicted to say the least. I feel such sadness, powerlessness and absolutely sick inside. My heart hurts so deeply.
So many questions running through my mind. Will she ever be able to come see us again? Will she remember how much Nan and Poppi love her? Will she remember all the things we have done with her? Will she remember what we talked about the last time she was here? That she is always in our hearts and we are always in hers. That all she needs to do is think of us and imagine our arms around her. That none of this is her fault. Will she remember?
A very dear friend brought to my attention this very morning that I had to have faith that the answer to all these questions is "yes."
Yesterday I looked out my window and saw a bird sitting on a fence post. I thought to myself, "that is how I feel, like a lone bird on a fence post." It made me feel sad being alone on that fence post. Through my tears I looked out the same window this morning and saw a bird on the same fence post looking alone. Then it flew away making me feel realize it had a choice to sit alone on the fence post or to fly and spread its wings. I realized at that moment I could let myself feel all of these negative emotions or I could be brave like that bird and fly off that fence post teaching my granddaughter about faith, hope, love and strength.
I choose to fly. This isn't going to be an easy flight for any of us involved but Addie will know her Nan loves her. I will have faith that she will remember.
I love you my precious Addie....